I remember months at a time where I twiddled my thumbs in boredom. I remember months at a time feeling like I needed to be doing something extra-curricular, anything that didn’t concern sitting on the couch watching TV shows. Boy do I miss it, now that I don’t have the time.
My father loves to read his horoscope from the daily news everyday, I’m happy he got in touch with his spiritual side, I’m happy he’s inspired by it. One morning this week, I went to grab my keys from the table and somehow gravitated towards the open news paper with horoscopes lined up. I read mine and It said that a new business proposal while arise that will change my life, and that I will need to make a decision soon. I didn’t believe it, I guess I’m not as much of a believer anymore.
The next day..I became a believer..My life could change..For once I can have the control I deserve. I long to find my purpose, there is so many things I can do, and I don’t have a solid path.
I wont give any details because It’s all in the clouds right now, but when I do. Everyone will know, I’m sure everyone will be relieved.
This week has been hectic, as I’m creating my costume, dealing with work issues, and trying to find time to plan out this trip. I have trouble sleeping at night, and when I do fall asleep, I have trouble staying asleep. I’m exhausted by the morning and not really motivated to go to work.
The fact of the matter is that my life needs some type of alteration. I need to find my niche, I need to find where I belong. Ever feel like everything is a blur? I have no control in my life and haven’t had any control for months now. Granted, we all have to leave the steering to fate, but I feel like I’m trying to swim to shore and the current just keeps pushing me towards another direction.
Yeah, I need this vacation, I fantasize about not coming back. I fantasize finding a reason not to get back on that plane. I’m bitter for New York, I’m afraid I wont miss her.
I turn 22 in 2 weeks, I have a feeling November 9Th will be the determining factor of who’s in my life for good, and who isn’t anymore. I feel like every time my birthday comes or New years day, I lose someone or I gain someone new in my life. A new year is the best reason to let go and let live, to start a new chapter, to start a new life with more goals, different types of people, and visits to different places. It’s just always sad to look at pictures from the year before with people you used to love, people you used to be friends with, who are not around anymore. Everything happens for a reason, So I can’t dwell on the past.
I’m ready for a new beginning, I feel like I’m fading, I need my life back.
Your probably wondering what happened to my blog..I deleted it. I want to put that all in the past. I put a lot of my life out there, good and bad. I will continue to do so, but speak more about myself, rather than other people. I understand that sometimes I come off offensive. I’ve been living with a “f*ck you, and you and you, I paid my dues, did my time, and I can say whatever the fuck I want” mentality. I realise I might have hurt a lot of people’s feelings. I am angry and judgemental and now that I’ve realized that, I can make a change.
I woke up at 7 this morning, nothing new..I’ve been asleep at 10pm every night this week, and awake from 4am to about 6 or 7am in the morning. My problem isn’t falling asleep, Its staying asleep. I guess I’ve got too much on my mind.
My birthday is in 3 weeks, I’m counting. I made a promise to myself this morning that I would make some dramatic changes when I turn 22, this new blog is just a small snippet of whats yet to come. I want to upgrade myself, educate myself more, and become a better person. My biggest accomplishment will be forgiving and forgetting, I need to rid myself of regret and resentment. No more talking about my last romance, I’m putting it all behind me.
I gave myself a project to get back into my creative side. I’m going to attempt to make my own costume, I’m going to be a showgirl but from the looks of it I’m going to be a showgirl/peacock. I went all over the world on Friday trying to complete my checklist-corset, peacock feathers, feather boa, head-dress, and shoes. I managed to find a cheap corset off of 82nd Street. in queens, then ran to reminiscence where I found tons of head pieces, luckily my Burlesque mentor Scarlet Sinclair (she’s going to be teaching me the skills of burlesque) had extra peacock feathers from her burlesque costume making days. $20 for a stack of peacock feathers is pretty sweet.
I have a feeling making my costume will come in handy when I get into the burlesque scene, I always underestimate myself, but deep down I know I’m capable of doing anything. I just might surprise myself, gosh do I miss surprises…
This is my first official blog on my first official site. I’m ready to move on, ready for something new, ready for someone to tilt my head towards them, in another direction and tell me that I deserve better and that they can give that to me. I’ve spent too much of my life-giving people an inch and having them take a mile. I just want to free myself from all of it.
Mexico is only 2 weeks away, I have a feeling I’ll come back a changed woman.