The straw that broke the camel’s back.
Its been a while since I wrote a deep post about where my life is at and what I have learned. Judging from the title, you might expect this post to be negative but it’s actually the opposite.
This has been an amazing year so far. I’ve only had 1 or 2 situations that were set backs, but overall, its been wonderful. I think what I appreciate the most about this year is how much I’ve grown as a person. Metaphorically speaking, I think I did a hard reset. I feel like a new person inside and I am still getting to know her.
I don’t carry the past around with me like a backpack of bricks. The things that used to bother me, no longer affect me. None of it matters anymore.
Earlier this year, I got invited to a Fashion Show on Valentine’s Day for The Blonds (was seriously so stoked!) and on that same day, I found out my boyfriend of ten months was cheating on me (long story I won’t get into details). This post isn’t going to be about bashing him, because honestly, looking at it in hindsight, we were never going to work anyway (good riddens!). This is more about how different I am now compared to that 20-something girl who used to break down every time a man abused my time, my love, and my loyalty. This is about that moment where I sat across from him at our Hotel room that night contemplating if this was something I could forgive (Like really? Could I really ask myself this?). At that moment, I was somewhere stuck between the old Jasmin who would try to give a guy another chance to change, and the new Jasmin that said “fuck that, he doesn’t deserve me.” I chose the latter and left with my dignity and strength in tact and I didn’t just leave him; I left my old self too. (Bye Felipe/Felicia!)
It was the straw that broke the Camel’s back and man, I am so glad it did.
I was angry for a few days but it was the fastest recovery I had ever experienced. It was very surprising as someone who would go through depression for long periods of time after breakups. It was proof that I had grown. It was proof that I no longer needed another human being to help keep me warm. Instead, I discovered how to generate my own warmth and I don’t think I have ever been happier.
We are programmed to think we need someone, their recognition, their attention, their love, just so we can feel like we “exist” but we don’t. I wish I knew that in my 20’s. I wish I stopped making excuses because when it all comes down to it, a man is only as good as his word and as great as his actions. Please, I urge all of you to never settle. I understand that people make mistakes but don’t stay stuck in a toxic relationship because you don’t think you can find better. Trust me, you can find better. That’s a promise.
Anyway. 8 days later, I was on a flight to Germany to model for one of my favorite company’s, Top Vintage Boutique, and I went on a short Euro-trip from there to Holland and Paris with one of my best friends. I never imagined that I would be flown out to a foreign Country to model for one of my favorite brands. I had to pinch myself, really. It was one of the best experiences of my life. I nearly cried when we visited the Eiffel tower in Paris. It was such a milestone for me. For years, I wanted so badly to go. Some douche from my past once promised me that we would go there (blew smoke up my ass) so you can imagine how nice it felt to get there on my own. It was a powerful moment for me. I even fell in love with Amsterdam, a place I found even more romantic than Paris. Crazy right? I loved it! I really have to thank my friend Gurj for accompanying me on that fun trip. Him and I have been best friends for over 12 years and it was nice to explore cities I have never been with my friend across the pond that I never get to see.
Traveling and being spontaneous really made me see what was truly important in my life. It helped me realize the world is so much bigger than my problems and it was full of possibilities. I felt that this was my good karma. I gave too many wrong people the right pieces of me. But I believe that with this new energy I am putting out into the world, the right people will continue to gravitate towards me.
After my Eurotrip, I hosted a very successful event with Buffalo Exchange, judged the Viva Las Vegas Pinup Pageant, walked the fashion show for Pretty Dress Company, and have collaborated with over 40 new brands. It’s such a contrast to my past and I am overwhelmingly grateful after having such a shitty year last year and going through a breakup in February. Things just went up from there.
Being emotionally independent wasn’t the only kind of growth I’ve experienced this year. I cut my hair. Most people might say “Big DEAL” because I mean, it’s just hair right? However, it is a big deal. Since I was 11 years old, my hair has been my shield. If you didn’t know, my back is covered in burn-like keloid scars. I used to hide them with my long black hair and it’s what kept my anxiety away because I always catch people staring at them. I’ve wanted to cut my hair for years but never had the courage until last week when I walked into the Bombshell Salon in Vegas and told them to chop it off.
Sure I was confident before but we could always improve on self-love. This was that one hurdle I had to get across and It was nice to look in the mirror for once and truly accept myself as I am. It was nice to wear something backless a few days ago and say “fuck it!.”
I made a commitment to myself earlier this year that I would take better care of my soul and this body and I am fulfilling that promise. I now go to the gym, I am getting dental work done, I am seeing an aesthetician regularly, and I feel better than I have ever felt. My skin is glowing, my smile is from ear to ear, and I feel strong both mentally and physically. Most importantly, Ive learned how to say “no” to anything I don’t like or want to do. That alone has made such a huge difference in enhancing my happiness & well-being.
This new level of independence and energy I am putting out into the world is proving that what you put out is what you get back. I feel the fruits of my labor coming to fruition. Work is good, my skin is glowing, my confidence is booming, and life couldn’t be better.
Success to me isn’t a Mansion and a Ferrari, success is being able to conquer anything thrown your way whilst still keeping your integrity, self-love, and sanity in tact. Success is in conquering your inner demons and the awful thoughts/depression that comes with it. Success is turning bad situation into a positive learning experience. Success is in looking at your body, scars, stretch marks, cellulite, and all and saying “I love you anyway.”
Your 20s is for asking why things happened to you. Your 30s are for thanking those things for happening to you.
I couldn’t be more thankful for the good and the bad.
Wishing you all strength and happiness.