Empowered by the struggle.
Ever since I left New York and headed to Las Vegas its been a never-ending rollercoaster of experiences both good and bad and I wouldn’t change a thing. Its been a rewarding experience leaving the place I called home, meeting new people, learning new things, and getting out of my comfort zones.
I learned a lot about myself. I learned that, despite often feeling lonely, I have my days where all I want to do is be alone and need space to recharge my batteries. I learned that lighting candles relaxes me from my stress and anxiety. I learned that I gave the wrong people the right pieces of me. I learned that if a guy has something to offer, he will show you, not tell you. I learned that I need a mentally strong, smart, loving, supportive, funny, mature man by my side who makes me feel “safe” but the only way I will find him is by “taking chances.” I learned that sometimes I get so lost in my own problems, I shut off, become selfish, and hurt those I love. I learned that I have been extremely guarded and basically paralyzed because of my past experiences with old lovers and friends. I learned that my energy is sometimes so stand-offish that I don’t seem approachable. I learned that I do not know how to receive love without feeling guilty/undeserving despite being a giver and absolutely deserving of all great things. And lastly, I learned that I am not responsible for another person’s happiness.
Being self-aware has helped me see the things I need to change about myself and my life. I always say we are all a work in progress and I am definitely no exception. I’ve spent the last few months truly working on the things I needed to change about myself. I made a list of goals and I have been scratching them off one by one.
I said I wanted to get my license and finally buy a car to get rid of my fear of driving and I did it (still fucking hate driving). I said I would start going to the gym a lot more and eat healthier and I am working on it. I said I would try to make Vegas feel more like home so I have been more social and open minded. I said I would stop being so damn guarded when it came to people and now I am finally getting out of my comfort zone and dating again. I smile more in crowds to show who I really am (a fun and wonderful person) and in turn I have become way more approachable though I am still kind of socially awkward (I play it off really well). I now know how to receive without feeling like I have a debt that needs to be owed (still struggle with this though from time to time). I learned to be a little more selfless which is what I used to be before I got taken for granted in the past. I also learned how to avoid taking the responsibility of trying to make everyone happy because its unrealistic. Every day was/is a new chance to evolve into the woman I want to be and every day I work hard at it.
Sure, I still have things I need to work on but right now I feel STRONG. I have learned to embrace every single struggle I have dealt with because struggle inspires CHANGE. Struggle lights that fire under your ass to DO something about the things that make you UNHAPPY. So even though the struggle is stressful and sometimes even frightening, you get through it, you figure it out, you find a way.
A huge part of my personal growth was learning how to take a hit. No, not literally, but I have been hit with some pretty heavy stuff recently but have recognized this as a transitional phase in my life. I believe that every year is like a snake shedding its old skin, a chapter beginning, a fresh new page waiting to be read and lived through. You start new projects or jobs. Maybe you even change your look. You meet new people but you also fade away from others and this doesn’t necessarily happen because of drama but because…that’s just life.
The saddest thing I ever learned is that everything in life is temporary but this can also be a good thing because it also means pain, stress, disappointment, depression, and anything else negative is just…temporary. You can hold on to your comfort zones, things, and people as hard as you want and life will still shake things up beyond your control. With that said, I have learned to just let people go but cherish the memories and moments I had with them, take on new projects without being afraid to fail, and take on new experiences without being afraid. You just have to let life unfold as it may and allow the universe to redirect you onwards and upwards and if it knocks you down, just get right back up. You will be stronger because of it.
Remember, rejection is just redirection. Anytime you hit a wall you are being directed to a door. Anytime you are hurt by someone you are redirected towards someone better. The universe is redirecting you towards your next chapter. You can either cry about it or embrace it. I choose the latter.