I know I haven’t been posting as much as I should. Instagram has practically become my blog and that’s really where all of the action is at. I have tried redesigning my blog to give me a little boost but after several failed attempts this weekend I realized my blog is fine the way it is. I was going to give it a clean white simple look but I am not simple, I am colorful, creative, artistic, and funky. I realize that it’s not my blog that’s the problem, I’ve just been doing this for so long that I am ready for the next step. What that is, well I don’t really know but I plan to find out.
Before I left to New York for a few weeks I told you guys something very personal. I was having non-stop anxiety attacks. They were completely paralyzing and affecting me terribly. Lots of people had no idea this was going on. I thought it may have been some kind of PTSD from past traumas but really…I had been seeing someone (a past love I wasn’t public about because well people are nosey and creeps) and thought that maybe since we had a history and I have had such shitty things happen to me in my other relationships in the past that maybe my fear was getting the best of me. I thought “Oh, I’m just afraid he’s going to hurt me like he did in the past, like everyone else did” and you know that may have been true because eventually he did.
I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. Not to the extent of most emotionally abusive cases but abuse is abuse. I often thought I was crazy because of the mixed signals, the false promises, the push and pulling, and the games. And gosh, Emotional abuse sounds so severe! But abuse can be so subtle and hurt just like physical abuse. This relationship and all of the mixed signals were making me feel physically sick (that’s what some anxiety attacks feel like) and here I was trying to figure out if it was my eating habits or hormones. I was losing myself. My family and friends started to notice. My compassion for this person made me stick around and forget to be kind to myself, made me forget to honor myself, and set boundaries. He was just “going through so much” that he couldn’t commit to me and this is exactly what some guys do to keep a girl around. Especially when they see a heart as big as mine. Then when you confront them about the things they are doing wrong, they just gaslight your concerns and manipulate you into thinking you are the problem. What did I want? What were my concerns? I want the things people take for granted. I wanted real conversations, not small talk texts. I wanted real love, not half-assed affection. I wanted a friend, not someone selfish who only thinks about himself. I didn’t want materialistic things I could get on my own, I wanted a companionship. He made me feel as if those things I needed to be happy were so difficult. And maybe they were for a guy like him. So what did I do? I tip toed around my needs/issues with him. I often tried to ignore them thinking I could compromise. I was patient and waited for him to change. Why? Because I loved him.
How could I receive so little and think these were such grand gestures? I didn’t love myself enough. After 5 months of seeing little progress I knew this was going nowhere. I realized this person was never going to be the man I imagined him to be, or the man he pretended to be. He pretended to be a King but he was really the court jester. Our romance or whatever you want to call it, was the joke. He was just using me and stringing me along. Why? I will never know. I couldn’t possibly do that to someone I love, even someone I don’t love. He was never going to change. People don’t change unless they truly want to change. Now this isn’t a post to bash the guy, because even after all the bullshit I went through, I still wish him well. I don’t forgive him but I’m not dragging that horse around. There are sooo few women like me. In this era, this dating apocalypse, so I am aware of my significance and how valuable my kind of love is and I can’t waste it on someone who doesn’t deserve it or rejects it. I now understand my kind of love isn’t for every body and that’s ok. The right man will gladly rise to the occasion.
I wrote this post to shed light on emotionally abusive relationships because I wish I would have read something like this 6 months ago when I was going through this. I am hoping this will help someone who may be going through this right now. This is about the “I love you one day–I hate you the next” kinds of people who like to string people along to feed some part of their ego. I know its hard to believe people like this exist but they do and they are only loyal to their need of you, their need for you to love them because they don’t love themselves. And their best victims are those who love them.
I’ve been through this so many times with him that this time around felt like light work. Its been 7 years of this back and forth business. This behavior was old news. And he always came around when I was at my happiest. Its like Mr.Big always showing up when Carrie was happy via SATC. Its like some radar goes off- “Jasmin might be happy, its time to sweep in and shit all over it!.” See my point below by watching that infamous scene that embodies my situation entirely.
My sister called him Mr.Big but the truth is, I don’t want a Mr.Big. I want an Aiden. He really loved Carrie and was a man of his word. He wasn’t indecisive, he knew what he wanted; he wanted Carrie. I’m all or nothing. I don’t have time to play games. Big was a coward, he’d just disappear leaving Carrie to wonder what happened only to show up again. This is what happened to me. Sometimes you don’t know how far you have come until someone hurts you and you don’t really feel it anymore. I took a week to grieve after I cut the cancer and after that I lived my life. It isn’t to say that I didn’t spend the following weeks full of rage. Oh I felt it. I felt so much rage I eventually went numb until I felt nothing anymore. But weirdly, with all of my rage, I was still happy. Not sure if that makes any sense. I guess I just distracted myself so much with the things that made me happy that I never really had time to think about the things that made me mad. I just stuffed it down till it didn’t exist anymore and what could have ended up being a terrible trip to NY ended up being one of the best trips home I have had since I moved to Vegas. Leaving that situation was me honoring myself, me learning to really love myself and maybe letting go for good was the medicine I needed to really move forward in life.
I’m not going to get into more details about what I have been though with this dude. I am just addressing the emotional abuse and selfishness of this relationship. You have to be with someone who brings out the best in you. He brought out the WORST in me and I was in denial for a long time. It wasn’t until my best friend sent me a video about abuse in relationships that I realized, holy shit, I am dealing with an emotionally abusive person. We focus so much on infidelity, and not being physically abused that we forget about emotional abuse and how it can have the same impact. I then started doing research about gas lighting and my mind was blown. This is when the manipulator makes the victim believe they are crazy or overreacting when expressing a concern. My friends told me, my mom told me, they all told me I had to let go and finally I did. But I had to see it for myself. And you want to know the best part? I haven’t had one single anxiety attack since I walked away.
I mean, even my skin is glowing!
The problem wasn’t my history of bad relationships or my fear of getting into a new one and being hurt again, the problem was that I was in a toxic relationship…one I allowed into my life. And crazy thing is he probably had no idea how badly he was affecting me. Most people don’t see how their actions affect others. This persons indecisive and inconsiderate way of dealing with my feelings, his false promises, his lack of effort, his push and pull game playing, and his selfishness eventually led to the demise of whatever it was he had. Those anxiety attacks were red flags I ignored. My body was reacting to me ignoring my intuition. My intuition was telling me to cut the cancer. And here I was being compassionate, loving, nurturing, respectful, and loyal. I thought that since he was supposedly having a hard time with life that I needed to save him from whatever was bringing him down…But really in trying to save him from drowning, he was drowning me and trying to save himself.
Sometimes the most toxic person in your life can be the person closest to you. It can be your friend, your family, your lover, your job. They can be the person you love so much you spend your time making excuses for them, even blaming yourself when things go wrong. So you tip toe around your wants and needs and you put yourself last. People will only treat you how you allow them to treat you. I gave him the ammo to hurt me. I let him continue to hurt me and so he kept doing it. It was MY fault.
But Bob Marly said it best..”The biggest coward is a man who awakens a womans love with no intention of loving her” and this heart is no place for a coward. Your heart shouldn’t be a place for one either.
Now, I am happy. Truly happy. No anxiety attacks. No depression. No riddles. No Games. And here I thought I’d come back to Vegas depressed and broken.
If you aren’t sure where your relationship stands with someone you need to pay attention to how they make YOU FEEL. Or read this-
“I feel oddly — perhaps disturbingly — lucky and certainly thankful that I do not have any extreme tales of abuse to report.
But, abuse can also be extremely subtle. It is often insidious: You go from thinking you are falling in love to wondering why all of the “problems” in your new relationship seem to be your fault, and have no clear idea of how you got from point A to point B.
Perhaps you blame it on not having been in a relationship for a while; you decide you simply forgot how to be in a relationship.
You assume — you convince yourself — you have become selfish because you have unrealistic wants and needs (like the need for unwavering, enduring respect and honesty).”–Christina Berchini
Have compassion for those going through hard times but never forget to still set boundaries and focus on yourself too. We all have problems but it’s no excuse to hurt others for our own selfish gain.
Actions really do speak louder than words. Please pay close attention. It doesn’t matter what he says to you. My guy and I spoke about marriage, running of to Paris, the whole 9. It wasn’t until I started to pay more attention to his actions that I came to terms with everything. I was able to see clearly and realize this person doesn’t really care and is probably blowing smoke up my ass. Now I only believe in what I see.
Don’t be that girl who wants a Mr.Big, the charming indecisive guy who has commitment issues who shows up only when you are happy to shit all over your happiness. Go for an Aiden, someone who knows what he wants, has his life together, and really loved Carrie. I was always mad at her for cheating on him and leaving him lol. Often we romanticize the wrong characters on these shows and movies. I may have made that mistake in real life.
“Do not make my mistakes, younger self. Your life — whether you are in college, recently graduated or watching your 20s come to a crashing end — is much more wisely spent working on your academic, professional and personal successes than it is falling victim to someone’s seductive effort to manipulate and abuse your world.”-Christina Berchini
Even after all I have been through, I have no regrets. I gave the guy a chance to prove this time was different and even though to some extent it wasn’t, It kinda was..because I was able to finally close this chapter knowing I gave it all I got. He just isn’t the right person for me. Not everything we think we want deserves us.
Sometimes it takes getting hurt to grow and I learned so much. I learned that I didn’t love myself enough. I learned that my wants and needs are important. I learned to never forget to have compassion for myself by being compassionate for someone else. I learned to pay attention to what people DO and not what they say. I learned that no one should ever make me feel like loving me is a burden. Most importantly, I learned that people will only treat you how you allow them to treat you. In writing this post I realize that I need to forgive myself because I played a part in this (regardless of his own faults) but you can’t shame yourself for loving the wrong people. It’s a waste of time. Since then my main focus has been on myself. I have no desire to be in a relationship. I am not closed off to the idea and I won’t stop a connection if it happens. However, right now all I want to do is enjoy the last of my 20s. I want to travel, have fun with my friends, work on new creative projects, and just enjoy life until someone shows me they are different and worthy of my time, love, and affection. I know there are good guys out there, the REAL good guys, it’s just the wolves in dapper clothing that ruin it for them. My time needs to be spent on me until I find someone who meets me on the bridge.
Hopefully it will be a bridge in Paris 😉 ❤
Know your worth.