The Enlightenment of Loss.
A few days ago I lost a very close and dear friend to me who was practically my family. It was the first time I had ever lost someone close to me as an adult. It hit me and my best friend Santiago really hard and we have been grieving ever since.
Today was the first day where I felt a little better and my anxiety and sadness wasn’t getting the best of me, but somehow I still feel so tired and drained from it all. I have spent the last 3 days feeling so sick I couldn’t really eat or keep food in my mouth without letting it out. It’s a grueling experience but seeing my beloved friend in his hospital bed fighting for his life just moments before he passed made me really think about life.
I am 28 years old and a few months shy of 29. Like everyone else, for the duration of my life I have spent most of my time trying to find happiness. In my pursuit I have failed over and over with only glimpses of that sunshine. Maybe I didn’t have enough gratitude, maybe I surrounded myself around the wrong people, maybe I put myself last way too often, maybe I didn’t try hard enough, maybe I didn’t search heard enough; I mean, there could be so many reasons. The only thing I do know is that I was happiest when I loved, felt loved, and was appreciated. I was my happiest when I was creative and productive. I was my happiest when I was surrounded by nature and good company. I was happiest when I traveled and was exposed to new places. I was my happiest when I did nice things for people. Dealing with this death made me remember.
Now I’m a tough cookie, emotional at times, but I have always become my best after being at my worst. I am driven by my pain…I’ve spent most of my life being driven by that or by love and both are completely exhausting. As a genuinely good person, I suffer the most. Sometimes I am too loving, too giving, and too nurturing and I completely forget about myself and how to set boundaries. This is why, when I feel something, I say something, even if it may rub someone the wrong way, even if I have to put my pride aside, even if I am at risk of being judged, even if it means bearing my heart and soul to someone who may or may not care. Some call that weak. I call it BRAVE. I don’t want to leave this world with words unsaid. I don’t want to leave this world as a result of holding in my emotions. You can and will get sick by doing this.
My friend held a lot inside. He never dealt with his pain and it may have been the reason he passed. It makes me sad just typing that because I wish there was something we all could have done to make it better. When I realized this, I realized this could be my fate one day too. I really believe that our thoughts and our pain affects our overall health. Lately, my health hasn’t been too good and its been a growing concern that my pain may just be the very core of the problem. I want/need to live my life to the fullest. I need to find my peace.
Tomorrow is never promised and if it isn’t guaranteed..do I want to waste today being sad or angry about things beyond my control? Do I want to spend it doing things I don’t want to do? Do I want to keep giving my love and affection to people who don’t love and appreciate me? Do I want to keep hanging out with people who don’t bring out the best in me? Do I want to keep working for other people and not following my passions? Do I want to keep living in a place that doesn’t help me grow? Do I want to keep carrying my pain like a dead horse for the rest of my life?
These are just general problems all people go through. I mean, do any of us want to leave this world without living the best life we can, today?
This was a huge wake up call. I have many things to be grateful for; my family, being alive, my job, my friends, and etc. But there are many things that I am not happy with, things I need to change, certain traumas I can’t seem to shake off, things I shouldn’t settle for, not in this life or the next. And here’s the thing..You have got to be RUTHLESS about the time and energy you put into people, places, and things. Cut out toxic people, If they give you 50 give them 0, don’t burn yourself out to keep people warm when those people have no problem leaving you in the cold, don’t settle for shitty jobs, shitty boyfriends, shitty friends, and etc.
I don’t know if I am just having a rough week or have just reached my end point when it comes to the mediocre things I tolerate in my life. I just feel exhausted. I miss my friend. I miss when I was a kid and was completely oblivious to how hard life would be. I miss being genuinely happy. But like Elizabeth Taylor says “Pour yourself a drink, put on some lipstick, and pull yourself together.”
I’m going to be ok but I wanted to share with you all that life is short, don’t waste it hiding who you are, tell people how much they mean to you, cut out people who only love you in halves, travel the world, meet new people, find a new job if you hate the one you are at now, find a new home if you hate where you live, don’t harbor your emotions, better yourself, follow your passions, and use your infinite potential because this is the only real way to find happiness. NOTHING in your life should be MEDIOCRE. You want to be able to say, “if I was gone tomorrow, I’d say I lived a pretty good life”.
Now go on…Live the good life.