The Enlightenment of Loss.

A few days ago I lost a very close and dear friend to me who was practically my family. It was the first time I had ever lost someone close to me as an adult. It hit me and my best friend Santiago really hard and we have been grieving ever since.

Today was the first day where I felt a little better and my anxiety and sadness wasn’t getting the best of me, but somehow I still feel so tired and drained from it all. I have spent the last 3 days feeling so sick I couldn’t really eat or keep food in my mouth without letting it out. It’s a grueling experience but seeing my beloved friend in his hospital bed fighting for his life just moments before he passed made me really think about life.

I am 28 years old and a few months shy of 29. Like everyone else, for the duration of my life I have spent most of my time trying to find happiness. In my pursuit I have failed over and over with only glimpses of that sunshine. Maybe I didn’t have enough gratitude, maybe I surrounded myself around the wrong people, maybe I put myself last way too often, maybe I didn’t try hard enough, maybe I didn’t search heard enough; I mean, there could be so many reasons. The only thing I do know is that I was happiest when I loved, felt loved, and was appreciated. I was my happiest when I was creative and productive. I was my happiest when I was surrounded by nature and good company. I was happiest when I traveled and was exposed to new places. I was my happiest when I did nice things for people. Dealing with this death made me remember.

Now I’m a tough cookie, emotional at times, but I have always become my best after being at my worst. I am driven by my pain…I’ve spent most of my life being driven by that or by love and both are completely exhausting. As a genuinely good person, I suffer the most. Sometimes I am too loving, too giving, and too nurturing and I completely forget about myself and how to set boundaries. This is why, when I feel something, I say something, even if it may rub someone the wrong way, even if I have to put my pride aside, even if I am at risk of being judged, even if it means bearing my heart and soul to someone who may or may not care. Some call that weak. I call it BRAVE. I don’t want to leave this world with words unsaid. I don’t want to leave this world as a result of holding in my emotions. You can and will get sick by doing this.

My friend held a lot inside. He never dealt with his pain and it may have been the reason he passed. It makes me sad just typing that because I wish there was something we all could have done to make it better. When I realized this, I realized this could be my fate one day too. I really believe that our thoughts and our pain affects our overall health. Lately, my health hasn’t been too good and its been a growing concern that my pain may just be the very core of the problem. I want/need to live my life to the fullest. I need to find my peace.

Tomorrow is never promised and if it isn’t guaranteed..do I want to waste today being sad or angry about things beyond my control? Do I want to spend it doing things I don’t want to do? Do I want to keep giving my love and affection to people who don’t love and appreciate me? Do I want to keep hanging out with people who don’t bring out the best in me? Do I want to keep working for other people and not following my passions? Do I want to keep living in a place that doesn’t help me grow? Do I want to keep carrying my pain like a dead horse for the rest of my life?

These are just general problems all people go through. I mean, do any of us want to leave this world without living the best life we can, today?

This was a huge wake up call. I have many things to be grateful for; my family, being alive, my job, my friends, and etc. But there are many things that I am not happy with, things I need to change, certain traumas I can’t seem to shake off, things I shouldn’t settle for, not in this life or the next. And here’s the thing..You have got to be RUTHLESS about the time and energy you put into people, places, and things. Cut out toxic people, If they give you 50 give them 0, don’t burn yourself out to keep people warm when those people have no problem leaving you in the cold, don’t settle for shitty jobs, shitty boyfriends, shitty friends, and etc.

I don’t know if I am just having a rough week or have just reached my end point when it comes to the mediocre things I tolerate in my life. I just feel exhausted. I miss my friend. I miss when I was a kid and was completely oblivious to how hard life would be. I miss being genuinely happy. But like Elizabeth Taylor says “Pour yourself a drink, put on some lipstick, and pull yourself together.”

I’m going to be ok but I wanted to share with you all that life is short, don’t waste it hiding who you are, tell people how much they mean to you, cut out people who only love you in halves, travel the world, meet new people, find a new job if you hate the one you are at now, find a new home if you hate where you live, don’t harbor your emotions, better yourself, follow your passions, and use your infinite potential because this is the only real way to find happiness. NOTHING in your life should be MEDIOCRE. You want to be able to say, “if I was gone tomorrow, I’d say I lived a pretty good life”.

Now go on…Live the good life.

XOXO

-Jasmin

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9 Comments on “The Enlightenment of Loss.

  1. This hits home, I lost a friend of over 20 years to cancer this week. I was with him the last 2 weeks and I am glad I was there to tell him he was loved by many. I am heart broken I feel selfish even saying it. Cancer is horrible.
    Grief and death is something just do not want to talk about. Someone told me to get over it you knew he was dying. Another said to buck up and let me tell you I will not “buck up” and I will not get over this. Grief is personal and there are no guides or rules to get over it. Living life to the fullest everyday and trying to really take care of ourselves. It’s a big wake up call for what we take for granted. Life every day. Big love to you.

  2. Sorry to hear about your friend — stopping and looking around, searching your soul is a good thing. Just don’t let it bog you down. XO

  3. So sorry for you Loss, he was a great man and I am so lucky that I got to meet him and spend time with him and his lovely wife. I am sorry that you and Santiago lost someone that cared so much for you both and my heart goes out to his wife and family. I am glad that you were able to put your pain into words and hope that it brought you some comfort during this difficult time. This was so lovely written and I hope you find all the happiness that you deserve. Love you.

  4. Thanks for writing this Jasmine. I totally relate to how you feel happy and I am currently really struggling every day because my life is a mess and I cant seem to fix it. I cant even afford a bottle of wine to drown my sorrows. This post has me in tears and so many of us are going through such a hard time right now. My best friend has colon cancer and HIV and was just sent to a safari retreat by his boss because he had a nervous breakdown. He’s in another country and there’s nothing I can do about it. I desperately need to go stay with one of my close friends but I can’t afford the petrol to get to her. I am at an utter loss in life and I just cant face most days. I dont know why Im telling you this but I dont feel like I can talk to any of my friends and none of them live close by so Im totally alone in this.

    • The Dame Intl
      What you wrote made me cry, I can identify with you because I am going through the same hardship. I am also cash poor and alone and my 7 year old niece is suffering from leukemia and I would love to be in the position to fly over there and be with my family at this time.
      I really hope that your situation gets better real soon

  5. My darling, your words touched me to core of my soul. How are you? Are you holding up? Jasmine I have lurked and skulked around your blog since the very beginning and I just love how well you put things together especially this post. It compelled me at last and at once to leave a comment of encouragement and recognition. As you said ma petite belle all will be well. Stay motivated and carry on.

  6. I truly love and miss these type of posts, where you open up and speak freely. Dealing with death is the worst thing, I lost my father and grandparents (childhood bffs) during my early teens and its been the hardest to cope with. It did help me to see life differently in many stages of my life, How can you not?! I love how you express the importance of eliminating the toxic elements in your life to live a happy and fulfilled one. I’ve learned that the hard way myself but it really is the truth and secert to being happy. Im sorry for your loss, l know how hard it is for you right now but just remember all the good memories you shared with that person and keep them alive in your heart. This was a bittersweet post but the general topic I’m glad you shared and expressed with us all. Take care . Xoxo

  7. Jasmine, what you wrote is wise & enlightening…your words are helpful in this journey we call life.

    My sincere condolences on the loss of your good friend;
    may you find solace in the pleasant memories of the times you shared.

    (BIG HUG)

  8. Pingback: June and July Favourites - THE DAME INTERNATIONALTHE DAME INTERNATIONAL

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