No lust for love.
One of my resolutions was to write more and even though I am very much aware that I am not the best writer I know my thoughts are valuable and worth sharing. I am hoping that maybe through this post, I can somehow change someones perspective and possibly save them from the unhealthy habits of those of us who have big hearts.
I feel like I woke up just before last year ended. I can’t really explain it but..I literally woke up one day 100% content with being single. Not really sure what happened, maybe I just surrendered. Maybe I had reached my limit of disappointments. I’m not too sure. This was new for me. I have always lusted over the idea of companionship. Ever since I was a little girl, all I wanted was to have that perfect fairy tale romance. But you get older, and you realize that those fantasies are not as whimsical as they are in your head. Sure romance can be amazing but lets face it, how many frogs have you kissed before you realized he wasn’t a prince? lol. Don’t worry, it happens to the best of us.
It happened to me until I took those stupid foggy goggles off.
I can see a lot clearer now. I can see things for what they are/were. I am 100% happy right now. Why? Well, I learned to be content with being alone and I realized that my wants/needs for companionship all these years was really responsible for 95% of my on going back and forth depression. HOLY FUCK. I think I may have spared myself yet another year of disappointments waiting on some soul mate that may or may not even exist. I’m not trying to be a pessimist here, I still believe in love, I still wouldn’t mind having that companionship, I just don’t lust for it anymore. I don’t crave that attention, affection, or title for that matter. If it comes it comes but for now I have really been enjoying my freedom.
I think traveling was a huge part of my progression last year. I cannot tell you how much fun I had jet setting around the US. It was enlightening to know I could go anywhere and do whatever I wanted; that life was a blank canvas for me now and it was up to me to turn it into a work of art. Every time I took a plane, I’d look down on the tiny specs of light from thousands of feet in the air, realizing how big the world really is..and it made me think of how many times I allowed 1 person out of a billion people in the world to affect me in the most negative of ways. That was my pattern, that was my reality until I woke up. Always giving giving giving and getting nothing in return. Always leaving leaving leaving and being told that I am loved. Always dwelling dwelling dwelling and getting nowhere.
Excuse my french but-I can’t fuck with this generation of half-assed romances. I’m sorry. I would rather be alone. Now, I won’t settle, and you shouldn’t either, man or woman.
I really thought about it. Turns out, romance had barely any positive influence on my happiness at all last year and pretty much ever. Everything I thought was great was some fantasy I had thought up in my artistic brain. I swear I could see art in everything. I could see the saint in the sinner. I could see calligraphy in a lock of hair.
These were things that didn’t really exist and when I finally saw these things for what they really were, I resented myself for believing they could be otherwise.
I think “hope” is a great thing. I really do. I just think we should all “hope” in moderation because sometimes that hope turns into a fantasy that isn’t real. We convince ourselves that someone is great, when they aren’t. I’ve made that mistake. We all do. We convince ourselves that we need to be in relationships to be happy but that’s not true and it’s probably the best thing I have ever learned.
I felt very confused last year, I had somehow lost my sense of value and I gave my attention to someone who was not right for me. However, what I learned from him was important. From the outside looking in, I saw myself simply wanting to “settle” because..well..look around. I’m picky and I rarely ever like someone so when I am even slightly intrigued I am relieved. I am ashamed to say, I was desperate. Desperate for it to work out just to prove something to myself. Desperate for it to work out because I wanted to prove I could succeed at romance for once. Desperate because I didn’t want to have to “try” anymore. That’s scary as hell when you find yourself settling because you don’t want to go through the trouble of opening yourself up to someone else again. I don’t ever want to look back at my life thinking I settled for some lukewarm romance because I was lonely and got comfortable. No no no.
The way I look at it is kinda like this. It’s like finding a cute pair of shoes but they are a half-size too small, so you buy them anyway and you walk around with them in pain until you can’t take it anymore and decide to give them away. Don’t force a shoe on your foot that doesn’t fit. They may be cute, but they sure as hell don’t make you FEEL good. There are millions of fabulous shoes in the world. If they don’t fit, don’t buy them.
You have got to learn to decipher your comfort zones from real love or convenience from real love. Sometimes we are distraught when things don’t work out but I promise, let time pass and you will realize why it didn’t and you will be thankful.
Took me a while to identify my inner masochist but I caught myself. It wasn’t until I decided to revisit the past that I remembered what that kind of euphoria (real love) was supposed to feel like and all it took was a few seconds of conversation at a coffee shop…That’s all it took..I had forgotten in all this time how it felt until that moment…and maybe I wanted to forget all these years. Maybe I wanted to forget the butterflies, knee-buckling kisses, and the adrenaline rush I got every time our eyes met. Sometimes that euphoric love can get you into a lot of trouble, especially when you love someone so much and they don’t love you back. Not all love stories end with happily ever after. I learned to accept and move forward.
The past is the past, but sometimes we have to revisit it to say, yeah, this is the mistake I made or this is what love is supposed to be/feel like. I had to revisit a time I was once really in love, the first time I ever felt something strong, and it was scary because I’d have to face my fears of rehashing the can of worms that came with a broken heart to understand the mistakes I was making now.
So I did it. I took a risk, I conquered, and I made peace with it. After YEARS I made peace with my past…This person was no longer my kryptonite and after a few sweet nothings whispered in my ear then and shortly after…I took my shovel, reburied it, and walked away.
At 28, I don’t have time for the sayers. I only have time for the doers, a go getter, a man of his word. A man who understands that I have my own life and need my own independence. Understands my career and supports me. Someone who loves adventure as much as I do, respects me as much as I respect him, and will never stop working on our love. It doesn’t have to be perfect but if it isn’t heart-felt, I don’t want it. If it is half-assed I don’t want it. I would rather be alone. I am 100% committed when I am with a man. I am committed to helping him grow, committed to loving and respecting him, and committed to being consistent with my efforts. It has to be mutual.
I always thought I loved myself enough but loving yourself enough means you don’t need companionship to be happy, to feel loved, or to feel important. I didn’t fully understand that till I found my strength again..Until I really reached a great level of self-love. Now I don’t feel sad when I see people hold hands..or kiss..or hug..I feel nothing but happiness for them and I have more patience than ever to wait for my time. Love does exist. The euphoric-can’t-live-without-you-love does exist but its best when you are ready, independent, and can stand on your own with or without it. And you know, sometimes we aren’t ready, sometimes we have to commit to growing together and that’s good too but it has to be mutual.
For now, I welcome all of the adventures that await me, all of the new lessons I will learn along the way, and all the fascinating people who will become another part of my story. Now is the time to focus more on my goals and my bucket list. So my message to all of you loners out there is: Don’t depend on romance for your happiness, try to understand if/when you are settling, pay attention to more of what you see than what you hear, and focus more on just having fun until that right person comes along. You are not empty. You are a blank canvas with the tools you need to create a life that is a work of art.
Your time will come..and so will mine.
Until then, enjoy the ride.