Rest in Pieces..2008
As the countdown begins, and January 1st arises, All I can do is wonder…Whos comming with me, and who’s staying behind?
This year taught me a lot about myself and a lot about the people I surrounded myself with.
This year I was lucky enough to get so fed up with all of the drama and bullshit, I finally found the strength to let it all go. I gave my heart away and snatched it right back the minute I realized his intentions were just as cruel as every other careless asshole I ended up with. I can’t tell you how good it feels to be single and emotionally available again, completely free from everything and everyone who held me back from LIVING. Even myself. I ended friendships, relationships, and most importantly a job that just wasn’t fun anymore.
I have to say I’m thankful for my endings.
From a broken heart I realized how much I really valued myself, how much I loved myself, and how blind I can be sometimes. All of that pain and all of that drama was a huge step of progress for me because I learned how to LOVE myself, to value myself better. Had I valued myself more, I wouldn’t have ended up with someone like him, I deserve better than that and now that I know, there’s no turning back. When your young you make mistakes, I just have to accept the fact that I’ve made many.
Leaving Betsey Johnson was a huge growing experience for me too, I was blessed to have a job handed to me immediately after I left by a loyal caring customer who is now one of my good friends. Love and respect go along way, she selflessly returned the favor. I am so thankful to have had that opportunity. Now I’m surrounded by a different group of girls who all have an immense amount of love for each other. It’s a better environment, I’m not having the “worst” dragged out of me anymore, We joke, we work, we help each other out, and even if sometimes we have our differences, we let it go. I do miss Betsey Johnson and some of the girls I worked with, but I knew this was my time to move forward.
It was crazy at first, being around girls who were so confident in themselves. I used to think I was OK in the confidence department till I realized I was the only one changing into my uniform in the bathroom, while the gals were changing freely amongst each other. Its been about 6 months now and I get changed outside of the bathroom now, It was a huge burden lifted off of my shoulders, I wonder If they know they contributed to that?. Well them and the amazing photo shoots I’ve done this year..Anyhow, because I’m more comfortable with myself; myself on the outside, bare and out there, I think It has helped me mentally and physically. Before I wasn’t so sure of my confidence, I was more confident in who I am as opposed to how I was portrayed bare. We all know you have to love yourself as a whole, any void can only hold you back.
Friends come and go, and as the new year approaches I’m leaving a lot of people behind. I’m very much aware that certain friendships will fade anyway. People come in and out of our lives for a reason, If your reason is malevolence than I don’t need you in my life. It’s always been this weird pattern with me that when the new year arises, on that night I start the year with someone new, and I leave someone behind. Last year I started New years night with the last guy who had the privilege of having me, now I’m ending the year without him. Only this year he wont be the only one, In fact I found more snakes when I cut the grass, and he wasn’t the only one slithering around the wrong lawn.
On a lighter note, I met soooo many amazing people this year, people who I am inspired by, people with good energy, and good hearts. People I hope to bring with me to the new year.
This year has broken me in like a new pair of shoes, I feel I can take on pretty much anything. It feels good that after 22 years, I finally love myself enough to turn my resentment into ambition, to turn my pain into fuel, to know my value and show the world what I’ve got to offer. I feel stronger, better, wiser, happier, and I’m ready for 2009. I cant wait to have new stories unfold, new friendships, and maybe a new romance…who knows…But I’m ready for anything.