Many of you are concerned with the fact that I don’t write as much as I used to in the past. I think a lot of it has to do with 1.not having a love life 2.I’m drama free and 3.I’m at a confused state of my life where nothing is stable and everything is changing as every second goes by.

Love inspires me. Its in my paintings, my poems, and everything else that I put my emotions into. Without it I have nothing much to say. I have spent a very long time avoiding the subject because, I hate to say it, I have to face it..I got hurt. I’m still facing resentment issues till this very day especially when I recently saw him in soho while I was having quality time with my sister. It was like my hatred was resurrected..I just try not to think about it, in fact, I work so hard I hardly think about it.. Its those moments like long train rides, and those moments where your in your bed and you cant sleep that you think about it the most. Most of the time I do a good job dodging the thought, but what keeps me thinking, what keeps me questioning is…”Why?”. He made it seem as if he waited so long for me, and when he had me..he pushed me away. I don’t know what to think, I know I didn’t deserve the way he treated me, I just want to know where the thought of his actions stemmed from. Out of everyone and everything I have been through, I was disappointed in him the most because for once in my life, with him, I felt protected. We women are always looking for security, I’m not talking about financially, but someone we can count on for love, respect, and loyalty. He gave me none of it, he used to.. Anyway, I realized a few days ago how much of a coward he is, was, always will be for never being REAL with me, for disrespecting me and my friendships, for never being man enough to give me an explanation or an apology. He was a huge part of my life, and a huge failure, because he failed to love me like he should have. Im not single because I’m waiting for him to mysteriously appear with an apology at hand confessing his true love and blah blah blah. It is obvious that I am still affected by my resentment because there are feelings still there. I’m single because I don’t want another “him” (or another one of them), because at this point I cant tell the difference between the men I have been with, they all disappointed me at some point, I just never expected that he would be part of the pack. I don’t need another bullshit romance. I was never the one to play pretend, you on the other hand were good at it. If there is one mistake I could take back, it would be you.

What a waste. I’m not inspired.

Im Hateful, and I dont want to talk about what hurts me.

Anyway, I have learned how to take all of my stresses, turn it into fuel, and let that motherfucker drive me to success. I have found a new way to vent out all of my problems, in a healthy manner by just being PRODUCTIVE. I’m Drama free, I stay away from any type of negativity lurking around me. I don’t have guy problems, girl problems, and whatever goes on within my family and friends (my family can be disfunctional) is there business. I have learned how to block people out and tend to the person that matters the most, and that’s me. I’m not saying I’m not here for them, of course I am, just not those who try to bring me down with them. I work way too much, and spend very little time resting and tending to my own issues, I don’t need anyone else’s issues piling up on top of mine. Ive never had a problem with my health till now, and Ive been sick a lot this year. I cant afford to keep putting all of my energy into negative issues. I think there comes a time in everyones life where they have to learn how to push there selflessness to the side a little bit and just worry about themselves. I have a natural urge to help those in need, I have a Big Heart so it hurts me to see people need me, and I’m not there, but I have spent way too much time playing hero, and quite frankly when I’m down and out, a lot of you are no where to be found. I am only going to support people who support me. I am extremely moved by/thankful for those types of people.

My shielded way of thinking lately has made me a happier person, its amazing how much you can get accomplished when your not worried about anyone else’s bullshit. I hate to sound mean but its true, there are those who want help and give help, and there are those who want you to be miserable with them.

Cut the grass and kill the snakes.

I’m in a confused state of mind right now because I don’t know exactly where I’m going, who’s going with me, and who’s staying behind.. I have a flight to LA coming up in 2 weeks and I don’t know If I want to live here or leave here. I would have moved out a long time ago if I knew where home was. I knew I needed to travel more and explore different places to find out and I did that. I fell in love with California, I fell in love with the rockabilly culture. I still want to travel some more, and I just might head out to Vegas in October for the Rockabilly Rave. I’m not a full time pinup girl, but it would be nice to be around a culture I’m inspired by. Oddly NY has been good to me lately, I’m starting to wonder if I’ll miss it. I’m confused. All I know is, there is nothing keeping me here, Ive already made a name for myself here, maybe just maybe I could do that in LA. I guess we will see. I’ll miss my friends and I hate to say this but, friends aren’t forever, most of them gradually fade, or move on to different ones, I understand it now. Its natural, its not something we all do on purpose, but it is “purpose” in itself that pushes us into a new direction. I believe we all have a purpose in each others lives, and when we are done with that purpose we naturally go on.. Its sad, but its a reality we all have to swallow.

I dedicated this month to rest and relaxation, my health is my one and only priority right now. I have been running, exercising, and I’m going to try really hard to change my eating habits (cough cough yeah right). Last month I had 3 days off total where I stood home and did nothing (nothing is good when your working on your days off!), all of my days off were booked with something. I overwhelm myself and I spread myself way too thin and I take on a million things at once and though its getting me somewhere, its affecting my health. I am not super woman, but damn I’m good at trying lol. I am also going to spend more time going out, lord knows I hardly go out anymore, I’m a retired party girl who’s getting back to work!. Its the summer, I just want to have fun and really start enjoying my life. I don’t think Ive done enough of that in my lifetime, I owe it to myself.

I just want to be around fun people and fun places and build memories.

This doesn’t mean I’m going to sit on my ass the whole month, I’m still working on a couple of things. I’m just spreading those things throughout the month, not cramming everything in one week, so I can still rest and be productive. I’m currently working on my costume for my first burlesque act that I postponed recently, and I’m working on a skit that ties into the song I picked. I am so excited to finally have my chance to put on a good show. I’m trying to make sure that my costume is perfect, Jes is going to help me with the construction and I’m going to design and provide the materials. Together we are going to work hand in hand in making this a grand performance. I am also working with 2 very amazingly talented photographers on a few up coming projects, cant wait!. Lets cross our fingers and hope that this goes well.

Im going to go wherever these currents take me.

Thank you to everyone for there support. I appreciate “you”.